We often think we are the victim of someone else’s behaviour or words. Maybe they are not meeting our expectations in the way they play or how they act so we start to feel angry or frustrated or sad. Maybe we are annoyed at how many errors they are making, or that they don’t come to the kitchen after they return. Maybe they say something we think is inappropriate or their personality just simply rubs us the wrong way. And then sometimes we act or behave in ways we may later regret.
On the flip side, maybe the emotions are directed at ourselves. Maybe we are strongly self critical and get angry at ourselves for our own errors, or we feel sad that we are letting our partner down. Maybe we think we that are not good enough to be playing in a certain match or group and feel overly anxious. These negative internal responses can affect the quality of our play in a big way.
Anything that causes negative thoughts or a strong emotional response is called a “trigger”. The emotions can be directed outwards towards our opponents or environment, or inwards towards ourselves. We have all been conditioned by our culture to believe that things can happen inside or outside of us over which we have no control – so this makes us “victims” of things we don’t like or agree with.
Either way nobody likes to be triggered. Nobody wants to feel angry or sad or anxious. It’s just that the same trigger pattern keeps playing itself over and over again and we seem to have no control and end up in that place more frequently than we would like,
But what if I told you your triggers are the key to achieving your pickleball potential?
How so?
Well if you set the intention and take the time to figure out your triggers and find a different way to respond, I promise you, you will find more peace on the pickleball court, and the extra bonus is that you will play better!
This recent Facebook post by pickleball coach Dayne Gingrich is what inspired me to write this post and it’s spot on in explaining why & how.
If anything bothers you in pickleball, or in life for that matter, it has nothing to do with the person or situation you feel caused your reaction. How you think, feel and act is a matter of programmed conditioning.
We actually have 100% control over how we think, feel and act. It’s just that we have never been shown how do that. Instead we think we have no choice – that someone did something to us and therefore they are responsible for our internal (and sometimes external reaction). Or we have no control over own actions (such as making errors) and our internal response is just our personality.
The only person responsible for how you think & feel on the pickleball court is YOU
I would like to give you an example of what triggers are, how they can affect your play and most importantly how they can be changed. Here is the fictitious story of Frank – who got triggered in Dayne’s Facebook post above
He started fuming inside. How dare she ruin their game by not having fun! How dare she ignore him and not work as a partnership!
He hit the return into the net, 1-10. I will never play with her again. He missed their third shot drop. 1-11.
He went over to her after the game and started yelling at her quite loudly “That was your fault. You don’t know how to have fun and nobody wants to play with you. You’re so serious and intense – why can’t you just lighten up?” He felt justified in his words, that he was right and she was wrong, so he was quite loud and wanting others around to hear why they had lost so badly..
Elizabeth seemed very surprised by Frank’s words. Many people around had heard the interaction and started murmuring amongst themselves.
However, luckily for Frank, Elizabeth had done a lot of work on her own triggers, and recognised that Frank had been triggered. Instead of becoming upset and engaging Frank in an argument, she said quietly and calmly “I like to be quiet and serious because it helps me focus so I can play the best pickleball I can. I’m sorry you don’t like to play with me, but this is how I like to play pickleball.”
This seemed to confuse Frank but it diffused the situation and they both kept playing, albeit they did not end up playing together again that day.
Elizabeth’s response had got Frank thinking. He could not conceive that someone would actually want to be quiet and intense, but it had opened up something in his mind, He suddenly realised that Elizabeth reminded him of his mother – they both had that same quiet intensity. Some old memories started surfacing around him thinking that his mother was sad and therefore it became his role to try to cheer her up. He became the “clown”, always cracking jokes and trying to have fun so that he could see his mother smile. He remembers feeling very sad inside when he could not make his mother happy.
He wondered, were these linked? Was he trying to make Elizabeth smile??? A light bulb went off in his mind and he suddenly recognised his deeply held belief system – being serious is bad, being fun is good. Elizabeth’s words got him questioning this. Is this true? If she does not want to have “fun” like he does, does that make her “bad”?
Then he had another curious thought, What right did he have to expect Elizabeth to act the way he wanted her to act?
And then he saw it. It was all him! It was his faulty belief causing him to think, feel and behave the way he did! He felt a moment of pure aliveness and joy. Some sort of internal freedom he could not put into words.
When he got to the courts on Wednesday he saw Elizabeth, and went straight over to her.
“I want to apologise for what I said to you the other day. I was not thinking clearly and realise that what I said about you was out of anger and is not true. I also want to thank you for the way you interacted with me. It helped me see something about myself I had never seen before, so thank you.”
“You’re welcome”. she said and smiled.
And then as the universe would have it, of course Elizabeth and Frank were destined to play together. Frank found himself quite relaxed, and a bit quieter than normal. Without the usual banter and jokes, he found himself playing really well . He had a newfound respect and appreciation for Elizabeth’s serious and focused playing style, and started to wonder if a bit of that could help him improve his game. They played together well and easily won their match.
“Thank you for being my partner today” he said.
You’re welcome”. she said and smiled.
Obviously this is a fictional feel good story. Most people’s journey to healing triggers are not as fast as Frank’s with some good immediate outcomes but I hope it gives you an idea of the process of what is called “shadow work”
Here are a few ideas to help you start your journey to becoming a non-triggered, more peaceful pickleball player 🙂
TAKE TO THE COURT
Acknowledge the Trigger
Simply acknowledging we have been triggered is the first step to changing our response. We can tell we are triggered when we feel a negative emotion, so try and “observe” these reactions no matter how small, and then try these tips:
- Say to yourself “I am having an emotional reaction” or “I have been triggered”.
- Notice whether being triggered is negatively impacting your experience on the court or your play.
- What is the thought or belief that is accompanying the emotion?
Don’t Act! Just breathe
Taking action when we are triggered is always going to have negative consequences on the court and on other players, and we often regret it later. And sometimes it leaves a trail of chaos and destruction that is hard to rectify. Try this:
- Set an intention to NOT act – no matter what! This will be very hard the first few times and you may find your ego rebelling and demanding that you act.
- Instead, breathe. Take a time out. Grab a drink of water. Just focus on your breath and see if the emotions subside.
Take Responsibility
Can you see how you may have contributed to the situation? The ego likes to be a victim so this can be challenging. Even if it is only 1% of what you think happened, focus on that 1%:
- Become curious – is there a familiar thought or belief that led to this reaction?
- What REALLY happened? Reflecting after the event can give you a different & more rational perspective, and can help you see your personal contribution.
- What could you do differently next time?
“Deeply understanding our triggers is vital to growth, and our external world will always show us our triggers.”
